smile?

sigh... the only reason i actually allowed u to take leave on tuesday was because i thought u would be alone doing the license thingy... but then u told me she'll be following around too... that sorta broke my heart but i had to keep myself together and continue laughing around while talking to u coz i didnt want u to get worried or moody or sad... these few days i keep thinking... what if ur license expired ady.. and u got fired... will her parents still want her to marry u?sometimes it really hurts me so much to hide my pain and still smile for u... sometimes i ask myself if its really worth it... you said you're with her because you pity her... you rather choose to be with a girl you pity than choosing to be with a girl u love... i wonder what is my position to you in your heart... whose going to pity me then... every now and then i feel really tired of pretending to smile, i just sit in the shower or the rain and cry everything out... at least no one will know i'm crying... then u went out for supper with her... i'm not sure if i'm jealous or sad or angry or i dono... just hurts me alot knowing u two are together and i'm the hopeless one waiting and keeping quiet here... i still remember last time when i told you that aaron and my relationship was underground, u said since its so hard for him to tell everyone that we're together, why not just break up then he don have to hide here and there so suffering... now i just feel like covering my head with a pillow and scream lol... but for yours and my sake, i'll continue keeping quiet, continue waiting, continue hoping.... come to think of it... i dono what will happen in april... i rejected 4 schools ady... gotta answer to the board this weekend... probably gonna get punishment... but nvm :) as long as we're together, nothing else matters... i love you lao gong muacks muacks