In case if most of you dont realise, I become cranky when its night time. Reason?
I hate myself when I'm alone.
I hate myself because I still miss you so much.
I hate myself because I cant forget you
I hate myself because I'm not good enough
I hate myself because I'm ugly
I hate myself because I'm stupid
I hate myself because you dont care about me
I hate myself because I've fallen in love with you and I'm stuck like that but yet you can let go so fast
I hate myself because I cant be right next to you
I hate myself because I cant help you in your work.
I hate myself because I dont even remember when was the last time I didnt cry my self to sleep
I hate myself because every morning when I wake up, my eyes are swollen
Basically, I just hate myself alot.
You dont notice how painful it is inside.
You dont notice all the promises you made are broken.
You dont notice that you've broken my fragile heart.
You dont notice I cry myself to sleep every night.
You dont notice how I'd wish you wont go offline so fast.
You dont notice how happy I feel inside when I see you online.
You dont notice how much I miss you voice.
You dont notice how much I miss it when you call me baby/ laopo/ dear
You dont notice how much I miss you when I see the little monkey
You dont notice how much I want to hear your voice when I'm not feeling well.
You dont notice that I've tried to hate you, but I really cant.
And yet I still love you with all the bits and pieces of my broken heart.
I know you wont come back to me.
I know that we wont be like the old times.
I know that you've moved on.
I know that blogging here wont change our current relationship.
I know you just want to focus on your work now.
I know you're trying to avoid me during certain times.
Even if it hurts me alot, I still cant help but love you.
me blogging this here is not because I want you to take me back in, I just need a place to express my feelings. I cant seem to trust anyone enough to tell them my problems or how I feel inside. I cant tell my problems to some people because they wouldnt understand or they would just say I'm faking it. I cant tell my problems to others because it just isnt appropriate. Therefore, I can only express my feelings here in my blog. I feel that the only place that I feel safe, where nobody can come and disturb/hurt me is when I'm at home, in my room, without the lights on, under my blanket. Nobody can invade my thoughts there. Nobody will know that I'm crying under the blanket.
I just miss you very very badly. I dont want to move on because I'm afraid that I'll forget the way we kissed, the way we hugged each other, the way you wiped my tears away when I was crying, the way you sound like and even the way you look. I just dont want to forget any of that.
P/S: Having you by my side are the happiest days of my life.
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